第2章

[Mem。——ThefollowingissupposedtobeanextractfromthediaryofthePepysofthatday，thesamebeingQueenElizabeth’scup—bearer。Heissupposedtobeofancientandnoblelineage；thathedespisestheseliterarycanaille；thathissoulconsumeswithwrath，toseethequeenstoopingtotalkwithsuch；andthattheoldmanfeelsthathisnobilityisdefiledbycontactwithShakespeare，etc。，andyethehasgottostaytheretillherMajestychoosestodismisshim。]

        YESTERNIGHT

        tokehermaisteyequeeneafantasiesuchasshesometimeshath，andhadtoherclosetcertainthatdoewriteplayes，bokes，andsuchlike，thesebeingmylordBacon，hisworshipSirWalterRalegh，Mr。BenJonson，andyechildFrancisBeaumonte，whichbeingbutsixteen，hathyetturnedhishandtoyedoingofyeLattinmastersintoourEnglishetong，withgretediscretionandmuchapplaus。AlsocamewiththeseyefamousShaxpur。A

        rightestraungemixingtrulyofmightyblodewithmean，yemoreinespecialsinceyequeenesgracewaspresent，aslikewisethesefollowing，towit：YeDuchessofBilgewater，twenty—twoyeresofage；yeCountesseofGranby，twenty—six；herdoter，yeLadyHelen，fifteen；asalsothesetwomaidesofhonor，to—wit，yeLadyMargeryBoothy，sixty—five，andyeLadyAliceDilberry，turnedseventy，shebeingtwoyeresyequeenesgraceselder。

        Ibeinghermaitescup—bearer，hadnochoicebuttoremaineandbeholderankforgot，andyehighholdeconversewhyelowasupponequaltermes，agretescandaldidyeworldhearethereof。

        Inyeheatofyetalkitbefelytonedidbreakewind，yieldinganexcedingmightieanddistresfullstink，whereatalldidlaughfullsore，andthen——

        YeQueene。——VerilyinmineeightandsixtyyereshaveInotheardthefellowtothisfart。Meseemeth，byyegretesoundandclamourofit，itwasmale；yetyebellyitdidlurkbehindeshouldenowfallleanandflatagainstyespineofhimythathbenedeliveredofsostatelyandsowasteabulk，whereasyegutsofthemytdoequiff—splittersbear，standcomelystillandrounde。Pritheeletyeauthorconfessyeoffspring。

        WillmyLadyAlicetestify？

        LadyAlice。——Goodyourgrace，an’Ihadroomforsuchathundergustwithinmineancientbowels，’tisnotinreasonIcouldedischargeyesameandlivetothankGodforytHedidchoosehandmaidsohumblewherebytoshewhispower。Nay，’tisnotIythavebroughteforththisricho’ermasteringfog，thisfragrantgloom，soprayyouseekeyefurther。

        YeQueene。——MayhapyeLadyMargeryhathdoneyecompaniethisfavor？

        LadyMargery。——Sopleaseyoumadam，mylimbsarefeeblewhyeweighteanddrouthoffiveandsixtywinters，anditbehovethytIbetenderuntothem。InyegoodprovidenceofGod，an’Ihadcontainedthiswonder，forsoothewoldeIhavegi’en’yewholeeveningofmysinkinglifetoyedribblingofitforth，withtremblinganduneasysoul，notlauncheditsuddeninitsmatchlessmight，takingmineownlifewithviolence，rendingmyweakframelikerottenrags。ItwasnotI，yourmaisty。

        YeQueene。——O’God’sname，whohathfavoredus？Hathitcometopassytafartshallfartitself？Notsuchaoneasthis，Itrow。YoungMasterBeaumont——butno；’twouldhavewaftedhimtoheavenlikedownofgoose’sboddy。’TwasnotyelittleLadyHelen——nay，ne’erblush，mychild；

        thoul’tticklethytendermaidenheddewithmanyamousie—squeakbeforethoulearnesttoblowaharricanelikethis。Wasn’tyou，mylearnedandingeniousJonson？

        Jonson。——Sofellablasthathne’ermineearssaluted，noryetastenchsoall—pervadingandimmortal。’Twasnotanovicedidit，goodyourmaisty，butoneofveteranexperience——elsehaddehefailedofconfidence。InsoothitwasnotI。

        YeQueene。——MylordBacon？

        LordBacon。—Notfrommyleaneentraileshaththisprodigyburstforth，sopleaseyourgrace。Naughtdothsobefityegreteasgreteperformance；

        andhaplyshallyefindeyt’tisnotfrommediocritythismiraclehathissued。

        [Tho’yesubjoctbebutafart，yetwillthistedioussinkoflearningpondrouslyphillosophize。Meantimedidthefoulanddeadlystinkpervadeallplacestothatdegree，ytneversmeltIyelike，yetdareInottoleaveyepresence，albeitIwasliketosuffocate。]

        YeQueene。——WhatsaithyeworshipfulMasterShaxpur？

        Shaxpur。——InthegreathandofGodIstandandsoproclaimmineinnocence。Thoughyesinlesshostsofheavenhadforetoldyecomingofthismostdesolatingbreath，proclaimingitaworkofuninspiredman，itsquakingthunders，itsfirmament—cloggingrottennesshisownachievementinduecourseofnature，yethadnotIbelievedit；buthadsaidthepititselfhathfurnishedforththestink，andheaven’sartilleryhathshooktheglobeinadmirationofit。

        [Thenwasthereasilence，andeachdidturnhimtowardtheworshipfulSrWalterRalegh，thatbrowned，embattled，bloodyswashbuckler，whorisingupdidsmile，andsimperingsay，]

        SrW。——Mostgraciousmaisty，’twasIthatdidit，butindeeditwassopoorandfrailanote，comparedwithsuchasIamwonttofurnish，ytinsoothIwasashamedtocalltheweaklingmineinsoaugustapresence。

        Itwasnothing——lessthannothing，madam——Ididitbuttoclearmynetherthroat；buthadIcomeprepared，thenhadIdeliveredsomethingworthy。

        Bearwithme，pleaseyourgrace，tillIcanmakeamends。

        [Thendeliveredhehimselfofsuchagodlessandrock—shiveringblastthatallwerefaintostoptheirears，andfollowingitdidcomesodenseandfoulastinkthatthatwhichwentbeforedidseemapoorandtriflingthingbesideit。Thensaithhe，feigningthatheblushedandwasconfused，IperceivethatIamweakto—day，andcannotjusticedountomypowers；andsathimdownaswhoshouldsay，There，itisnotmuchyethethathathanarsetospare，lethimfellowthat，an’hethinkhecan。ByGod，an’Iwereyequeene，Iwoulde’entipthisswaggeringbraggartouto’thecourt，andlethimairhisgrandeursandbreakhisintolerablewindbeforeyedeafandsuchassuffocationpleaseth。]

        Thenfelltheytotalkaboutyemannersandcustomsofmanypeoples，andMasterShaxpurspakeofyebokeofyesieurMichaeldeMontaine，whereinwasmentionofyecustomofwidowsofPerigordtowearupponyeheaddress，insignofwidowhood，ajewelinyesimilitudeofaman’smemberwiltedandlimber，whereatyequeenedidlaughandsaywidowsinEnglanddoewearprickestoo，butbetwixtthethighs，andnotwiltedneither，tillcoitionhathdonethatofficeforthem。MasterShaxpurdidlikewiseobservehowytyesieurdeMontainehathalsospokenofacertainemperorofsuchmightyprowessthathedidtaketenmaidenheddesinyecompassofasinglenight，yewhilehisempressdidentertaintwoandtwentylustyknightsbetweenhersheetes，yetwasnotsatisfied；

        whereatyemerrieCountessGranbysaitharamisyetyeemperor’ssuperior，sithhewiltupaboveahundredyewes’twixtsunandsun；andafter，ifhecanhavenonemoretoshag，willmasturbateuntilhehathenrich’dwholeacreswithhisseed。

        Thenspakeyedamnedwindmill，SrWalter，ofapeopleinyeuttermostpartsofAmerica，ytcapulatenotuntiltheybefiveandthirtyyeresofage，yewomenbeingeightandtwenty，anddoitthenbutonceinsevenyeres。

        YeQueene。——HowdoththatlikemylittleLadyHelen？Shallwesendtheethitherandpreservethybelly？

        LadyHelen。——Pleaseyourhighnessesgrace，mineoldnursehathtoldmetherearemorewaysofservingGodthanbylockingthethighstogether；

        yetamIwillingtoservehimytwaytoo，sithyourhighnessesgracehathsetyeensample。

        YeQueene。——God’wowndesagoodanswer，childe。

        LadyAlice。——Mayhap’twillweakenwhenyehairsproutsbelowyenavel。

        LadyHelen。——Nay，itsproutedtwoyeressyne；Icanscarcemorethancoveritwithmyhandnow。

        YeQueene。——HearYethat，mylittleBeaumonte？Haveyenotalittlebirdeaboutyethatstirsathearingtellofsosweeteaneste？

        Beaumonte。——’Tisnotinsensible，illustriousmadam；butmousingowlsandbatsoflowdegreemaynotaspiretoblisssowhelmingandecstaticasisfoundinyedownynestsofbirdesofParadise。

        YeQueene。——ByyegulletofGod，’tisaneat—turnedcompliment。Withsuchatongueasthine，lad，thou’ltspreadtheivorythighsofmanyawillingmaideinthygoodtime，an’thycod—piecebeashandyasthyspeeche。

        ThenspakeyequeeneofhowshemetoldRabelaiswhenshewasturnedoffifteen，andhedidtellherofamanhisfatherknewthathadadoublepairofbollocks，whereonacontroversyfollowedasconcerningthemostjustwaytospelltheword，yecontentionrunninghighbetwixtyelearnedBaconandyeingeniousJonson，untilatlastyeoldLadyMargery，wearyingofitall，saith，’Gentles，whatmatterethithowyeshallspelltheword？IwarrantYewhenyeuseyourbollocksyeshallnotthinkofit；andmyLadyGranby，beyecontent；letthespellingbe，yeshallenjoythebeatingofthemonyourbuttocksjustthesame，Itrow。BeforeIhadgainedmyfourteenthyearIhadlearntthatthemthatwouldexploreacuntstop’dnottoconsiderthespellingo’t。’

        SrW。——Insooth，whenashift’sturnedup，delayismeetfornaughtbutdalliance。Boccacciohathastoryofapriestthatdidbeguileamaidintohiscell，thenknelthiminacornertoprayforgracetoberightlythankfulforthistendermaidenheadyeLordhadsenthim；butyeabbot，spyingthroughyekey—hole，didseeatuftofbrownishhairwithfairwhitefleshaboutit，whereforewhenyepriest’sprayerwasdone，hischancewasgone，forasmuchasyelittlemaidhadbutyeonecunt，andthatwasalreadyoccupiedtohercontent。

        Thenconversedtheyofreligion，andyemightieworkyeolddeadLutherdiddoebyyegraceofGod。Thennextaboutpoetry，andMasterShaxpurdidredeapartofhisKingHenryIV。，yewhich，itseemethuntome，isnotofyevalueofanarsefullofashes，yettheypraiseditbravely，oneandall。

        Yesamedidredeaportionofhis\"VenusandAdonis，\"totheirprodigiousadmiration，whereasI，beingsleepyandfatiguedwithal，diddemeitbutpaltrystuff，andwasthemorediscomfortedinthatyeblodybucanierhadgothiswindagain，anddidturnhismindtofartingwithsuchvillainzealthatpresentlyIwasliketochokeoncemore。Goddamnthiswindyruffianandallhisbreed。Iwoldethathellmightegethim。

        TheytalkedaboutyewonderfuldefensewhicholdSr。NicholasThrogmortondidmakeforhimselfbeforeyejudgesinyetimeofMary；whichwasunluckymattertobroach，sithitfetchedoutyequenewitha’Pityythe，havingsomuchwit，hadyetnotenoughtosavehisdoter’smaidenheddesoundforhermarriage—bed。’Andyequenedidgiveyedamn’dSr。Walteralookytmadehymwince——forshehathnotforgothewasherownloveritytoldeday。Therewassilentuncomfortablenessnow；’twasnotagoodturnfortalktotake，sithifyequeenemustfindoffenseinalittleharmlessdebauching，whenprickswerestiffandcuntsnotloathetotakeyestiffnessoutofthem，whoofthiscompanywassinless；

        behold，wasnotyewifeofMasterShaxpurfourmonthsgonewithchildwhenshestooduppebeforeyealtar？WasnotherGraceofBilgewaterroger’dbyfourlordsbeforeshehadahusband？WasnotyelittleLadyHelenbornonhermother’swedding—day？And，beholde，werenotyeLadyAliceandyeLadyMargerythere，mouthingreligion，whoresfromyecradle？

        IntimecametheytodiscourseofCervantes，andofthenewpainter，Rubens，thatisbeginningtobeheardof。Finewordsanddainty—wroughtphrasesfromtheladiesnow，oneortwoofthembeing，inotherdays，pupilsofthatpoorass，Lille，himself；andImarkedhowthatJonsonandShaxpurdidfidgettodischargesomevenomofsarcasm，yetdaredtheynotinthepresence，thequeene’sgracebeingyeveryflowerofyeEuphuistsherself。Butbehold，thesebetheyyt，havingaspecialty，andadmiringitinthemselves，bejealouswhenaneighbordothessayeit，norcanabideitinthemlong。Wherefore’twasobservableytyequenewaxeduncontent；andintimelabor’dgrandiosespeecheoutofyemouthofLadyAlice，whomanifestlydidmightilyprideherselfthereon，didquiteexhausteyequene’sendurance，wholistenedtillyegaudyspeechewasdone，thenliftedupherbrows，andwithvasteirony，mincingsaith’O

        shit！’Whereattheyalledidlaffe，butnotyeLadyAlice，ytoldefoolishbitche。

        NowwasSr。WaltermindedofataleheoncedidhearyeingeniousMargretteofNavarrerelate，aboutamaid，whichbeingliketosufferrapebyanoldearchbishoppe，didsmartlycontriveadevicetosavehermaidenhedde，andsaidtohim，First，mylord，Iprithee，takeoutthyholytoolandpissbeforeme；whichdoing，lohismemberfelle，andwouldnotriseagain。

        FOOTNOTES

        ToFrivolityThehistoricalconsistencyof1601indicatesthatTwainmusthavegiventhesubjectconsiderablethought。TheauthorwascarefultospeakonlyofmenwhoconceivablymighthavebeenintheVirginQueen’sclosetandengagedindiscoursewithher。

        THECHARACTERS

        Atthistime（1601）QueenElizabethwas68yearsold。Shespeaksofhavingtalkedto\"oldRabelais\"inheryouth。ThismighthavebeenpossibleasRabelaisdiedin1552，whentheQueenwas19yearsold。

        AmongthoseinthepartywereShakespeare，atthattime37yearsold；BenJonson，27；andSirWalterRaleigh，49。Beaumontatthetimewas17，not16。HewasadmittedasamemberoftheInnerTemplein1600，andhisfirsttranslations，thosefromOvid，werefirstpublishedin1602。

        Therefore，ifonewereholdingstrictlytotheyeardate，neitherbyagenorbyfamewouldBeaumonthavebeeneligibletoattendsuchagatheringofaugustpersonagesintheyear1601；butthepointisunimportant。

        THEELIZABETHANWRITERS

        IntheConversationShakespearespeaksofMontaigne’sEssays。Thesewerefirstpublishedin1580andsuccessiveeditionswereissuedintheyearsfollowing，thethirdvolumebeingpublishedin1588。\"InEnglandMontaignewasearlypopular。ItwaslongsupposedthattheautographofShakespeareinacopyofFlorio’stranslationshowedhisstudyoftheEssays。Theautographhasbeendisputed，butdiverspassages，andespeciallyoneinTheTempest，showthatatfirstorsecondhandthepoetwasacquaintedwiththeessayist。\"（EncyclopediaBrittanica。）

        ThecompanyattheQueen’sfiresidediscoursedofLilly（orLyly），EnglishdramatistandnovelistoftheElizabethanera，whosenovel，Euphues，publishedintwoparts，’Euphues’，orthe’AnatomyofWit’

        （1579）and’EuphuesandHisEngland’（1580）wasaliterarysensation。

        Itissaidtohaveinfluencedliterarystyleformorethanaquarterofacentury，andtracesofitsinfluencearefoundinShakespeare。（ColumbiaEncyclopedia）。

        TheintroductionofBenJonsonintothepartywaswhollyappropriate，ifonemaycalltowitnesssomeofJonson’swritings。ThesubjectunderdiscussionwasonethatJonsonwasacquaintedwith，inTheAlchemist：

        Act。I，SceneI，FACE：Believe’tIwill。

        SUBTLE：Thyworst。Ifartatthee。

        DOLCOMMON：Haveyouyourwits？Why，gentlemen，forlove————

        Act。2，SceneI，SIREPICUREMAMMON：……andthenmypoets，thesamethatwritsosubtlyofthefart，whomIshallentertainstillforthatsubjectandagaininBartholomewFairNIGHTENGALE：（singsaballad）

        Hearforyourlove，andbuyforyourmoney。

        Adelicateballado’theferretandtheconey。

        Apreservativeagain’thepunk’sevil。

        Anothergoose—greenstarch，andthedevil。

        Adozenofdivinepoints，andthegodlygarterThefairingofgoodcounsel，ofanellandthree—quarters。

        Whatis’tyoubuy？

        Thewindmillblowndownbythewitche’sfart，OrSaintGeorge，that，O！didbreakthedragon’sheart。

        GOODOLDENGLISHCUSTOM

        ThatcertaintypesofEnglishsocietyhavenotchangedmateriallyintheirfreedomtowardbreakingwindinpubliccanbenoticedinsomecomparativelyrecentliterature。FrankHarrisinMyLife，Vol。2，Ch。XIII，tellsofLadyMarriott，wifeofajudgeAdvocateGeneral，beingcompelledtoleaveherowntable，atwhichshewasentertainingSirRobertFowler，thentheLordMayorofLondon，becauseofthesuffocatingandnauseatingodorsthere。Healsotellsofaninstanceinparliament，andofaratherbrilliantbonmotspokenuponthatoccasion。

        \"WhileFowlerwasspeakingFinch—Hattonhadshewnsignsofrestlessness；

        towardstheendofthespeechhehadmovedsomethreeyardsawayfromtheBaronet。AssoonasFowlersatdownFinch—Hattonsprangupholdinghishandkerchieftohisnose：

        \"’Mr。Speaker，’hebegan，andwasatonceacknowledgedbytheSpeaker，foritwasamaidenspeech，andassuchwasentitledtoprecedencebythecourteouscustomoftheHouse，’IknowwhytheRightHonourableMemberfromtheCitydidnotconcludehisspeechwithaproposal。Theonlywaytoconcludesuchaspeechappropriatelywouldbewithamotion！’\"

        AEOLIANCREPITATIONS

        Butsocietyhadapparentlydegeneratedsadlyinmoderntimes，andevenintheeraofElizabeth，foratanearlierdateitwasaserious——nay，capital——offensetobreakwindinthepresenceofmajesty。TheEmperorClaudius，hearingthatonewhohadsuppressedtheurgewhilepayinghimcourthadsufferedgreatlythereby，\"intendedtoissueanedict，allowingtoallpeoplethelibertyofgivingventattabletoanydistensionoccasionedbyflatulence：\"

        Martial，too（BookXII，EpigramLXXVII），tellsoftheembarrassmentofonewhobrokewindwhileprayingintheCapitol，\"Oneday，whilestandingupright，addressinghisprayerstoJupiter，AethonfartedintheCapitol。Menlaughed，buttheFatheroftheGods，offended，condemnedtheguiltyonetodineathomeforthreenights。

        Sincethattime，miserableAethon，whenhewishestoentertheCapitol，goesfirsttoPaterclius’priviesandfartstenortwentytimes。Yet，inspiteofthisprecautionarycrepitation，hesalutesJovewithconstrictedbuttocks。\"Martialalso（BookIV，EpigramLXXX），ridiculesawomanwhowassubjecttothehabit，saying，\"YourBassa，Fabullus，hasalwaysachildatherside，callingitherdarlingandherplaything；andyet——morewonder——shedoesnotcareforchildren。Whatisthereasonthen。Bassaisapttofart。（Forwhichshecouldblametheunsuspectinginfant。）\"

        Thetaleistold，too，ofacertainwomanwhoperformedanaeoliancrepitationatadinnerattendedbythewittyMonsignieurDupanloup，BishopofOrleans，andthatwhen，tocoverupherlapse，shebegantoscrapeherfeetuponthefloor，andtomakesimilarnoises，theBishopsaid，\"Donottroubletofindarhyme，Madam！\"

        Nay，worthiernamesthanthoseofanyyetmentionedhavediscussedthematter。Herodotustellsofonesuchwhichwastheprecursortothefallofanempireandachangeofdynasty——thatwhichAmasisdischargeswhileonhorseback，andbidstheenvoyofApries，KingofEgypt，catchanddelivertohisroyalmaster。EventheexactmannerandpostureofAmasis，authorofthisinsult，isdescribed。

        St。Augustine（TheCityofGod，XIV：24）citestheinstanceofamanwhocouldcommandhisreartrumpettosoundatwill，whichhislearnedcommentatorfortifieswiththeexampleofonewhocoulddosointune！

        BenjaminFranklin，inhis\"LettertotheRoyalAcademyofBrussels\"hascanvassedsuggestedremediesforalleviatingthestenchattendantuponthesedischarges：

        \"MyPrizeQuestionthereforeshouldbe：TodiscoversomeDrug，wholesomeand——notdisagreeable，tobemixedwithourcommonfood，orsauces，thatshallrenderthenaturaldischargesofWindfromourBodiesnotonlyinoffensive，butagreeableasPerfumes。

        \"ThatthisisnotaChimericalProject&altogetherimpossible，mayappearfromtheseconsiderations。Thatwealreadyhavesomeknowledgeofmeanscapableofvaryingthatsmell。HethatdinesonstaleFlesh，especiallywithmuchAdditionofOnions，shallbeabletoaffordastinkthatnoCompanycantolerate；whilehethathaslivedforsometimeonVegetablesonly，shallhavethatBreathsopureastobeinsensibleofthemostdelicateNoses；andifhecanmanagesoastoavoidtheReport，hemayanywheregiveventtohisGriefs，unnoticed。ButastherearemanytowhomanentireVegetableDietwouldbeinconvenient，&asalittlequickLimethrownintoaJakeswillcorrecttheamazingQuantityoffetidAirarisingfromthevastMassofputridMattercontainedinsuchPlaces，andrenderitpleasingtotheSmell，whoknowsbutthatalittlePowderofLime（orsomeotherequivalent）takeninourFood，orperhapsaGlassofLimeWaterdrankatDinner，mayhavethesameEffectontheAirproducedinandissuingfromourBowels？\"

        OnecuriouscommentaryonthetextisthatElizabethshouldbesofondofinvestigatingintotheauthorshipoftheexhalationinquestion，whenshewasinordinatelyfondofstrongandsweetperfumes；infact，shewasresponsibleforthetremendousincreaseinimportationsofscentsintoEnglandduringherreign。

        \"YEBOKEOFYESIEURMICHAELDEMONTAINE\"

        Thereisacuriousadmixtureoferrorandmisunderstandinginthispartofthesketch。Inthefirstplace，thestoryisborrowedfromMontaigne，whereitistoldinaccurately，andthenfurthercorruptedinthetelling。

        ItwasnotthegoodwidowsofPerigordwhoworethephallusupontheircoifs；itwastheyoungmarriedwomen，ofthedistrictnearMontaigne’shome，whoparadedittoviewupontheirforeheads，asasymbol，saysouressayist，\"ofthejoytheyderivedtherefrom。\"Iftheybecamewidows，theyreverseditsposition，andcovereditupwiththerestoftheirhead—dress。

        The\"emperor\"mentionedwasnotanemperor；hewasProcolus，anativeofAlbengue，ontheGenoesecoast，who，withBonosus，ledtheunsuccessfulrebellioninGaulagainstEmperorProbus。EvensokeenacommentatorasCottonhasfailedtonotetheerror。

        Theempress（Montaignedoesnotsay\"hisempress\"）wasMessalina，thirdwifeoftheEmperorClaudius，whowasuncleofCaligulaandfoster—fathertoNero。Furthermore，inhercasethechargeisthatshecopulatedwithtwenty—fiveinasinglenight，andnottwenty—two，asappearsinthetext。Montaigneisrightinhisstatistics，iforiginalsourcesarecorrect，whereastheauthorerredintranscribingtheincident。

        AsforProculus，ithasbeennotedthathewasassociatedwithBonosus，whowasasrenownedinthefieldofBacchusaswasProculusinthatofVenus（Gibbon，DeclineandFalloftheRomanEmpire）。ThefeatofProculusistoldinhisownwords，inVopiscus，（Hist。Augustine，p。246）

        whereherecountshavingcapturedonehundredSarmatianvirgins，andunmaidenedtenoftheminonenight，togetherwiththehappeningssubsequentthereto。

        ConcerningMessalina，thereappearstobenoquestionbutthatshewasanymphomaniac，andthat，whileEmpressofRome，sheparticipatedinsomefearfuldebaucheries。Thequestioniswhattobelieve，formuchthatwehaveheardaboutherisalmostcertainlyapocryphal。

        TheauthorfromwhomMontaignetookhisfactsistheelderPliny，who，inhisNaturalHistory，BookX，Chapter83，says，\"Otheranimalsbecomesatedwithveneralpleasures；manhardlyknowsanysatiety。Messalina，thewifeofClaudiusCaesar，thinkingthisapalmquiteworthyofanempress，selectedforthepurposeofdecidingthequestion，oneofthemostnotoriouswomenwhofollowedtheprofessionofahiredprostitute；

        andtheempressoutdidher，aftercontinuousintercourse，nightandday，atthetwenty—fifthembrace。\"

        ButPliny，notwithstandinghisgreatattainments，wasoftenaretailerofstalegossip，andinlikecasewasAureliusVictor，anotherwriterwhoheapedmuchodiumonhername。Again，thereisagreathiatusintheAnnalsofTacitus，atruehistorian，attheperiodcoveringtheearlierdaysoftheEmpress；whileSuetonius，bitterashemaybe，islittlemorethanananecdotist。Juvenal，anotherofherdetractors，isaprejudicedwitness，forhestartedouttosatirizefemalevice，andnaturallyaimedathighplaces。DioalsotellsofMessalina’smisdeeds，buthisworkisunderthesamelimitationsasthatofSuetonius。Furthermore，nonebutPlinymentionstheexcessunderconsideration。

        However，\"wherethereismuchsmoketheremustbealittlefire，\"andbaseduponthesuperimposedtestimonyofthewritersoftheperiod，thereappearslittledoubtbutthatMessalinawasanymphomaniac，thatsheprostitutedherselfinthepublicstews，naked，andwithgildednipples，andthatshedidactuallymarryherchiefadulterer，Silius，whileClaudiuswasabsentatOstia，andthattheweddingwasconsummatedinthepresenceofaconcourseofwitnesses。Thiswas\"thestrawthatbrokethecamel’sback。\"ClaudiushastenedbacktoRome，Siliuswasdispatched，andMessalina，lackingthewill—powertodestroyherself，waskilledwhenanofficerranaswordthroughherabdomen，justasitappearedthatClaudiuswasabouttorelent。

        \"THENSPAKEYEDAMNEDWINDMILL，SIRWALTER\"

        Raleighisthoroughlyincharacterhere；thisobservationisquiteinkeepingwiththegeneralveracityofhisaccountofhistravelsinGuiana，oneofthemostmendaciousaccountsofadventureevertold。

        Naturally，thescholarlyresearchesofWestermarckhavefailedtodiscoverthispeople；perhapsLadyHelenmightbestbeprotectedamongtheJibarosofEcuador，wherethemenmarrywhenapproachingforty。

        BenJonsoninhisConversationsobserved\"ThatSr。W。Raughlyeesteemedmoreoffamethanofconscience。\"

        YEVIRGINQUEENE

        GravehistorianshavedebatedforcenturiesthepretensionsofElizabethtothetitle，\"TheVirginQueen，\"anditisutterlyimpossibletodisposeoftheissueinanote。However，theweightofopinionappearstobeinthenegative。ManyandgreatwerethedifficultiesattendingthemarriageofaProtestantprincessinthosetroubloustimes，andElizabethfinallyannouncedthatshewouldbecomeweddedtotheEnglishnation，andsheworearingintokenthereofuntilherdeath。However，moreorlessopenliaisonswithEssexandLeicester，aswellasahostoflessercourtiers，herardenttemperament，andherimperioustemper，areindicationsthatcannotbedeniedindetermininganyestimateuponthepointinquestion。

        BenJonsoninhisConversationswithWilliamDrummondofHawthorndensays，\"QueenElizabethneversawherselfaftershebecameoldinatrueglass；

        theypaintedher，andsometymeswouldvermillionhernose。ShehadallwayesaboutChristmassevenssetdicethatthrewsixesorfive，andsheknewnottheywereother，tomakeherwinandesteameherselffortunate。Thatshehadamembranaonher，whichmadeheruncapableofman，thoughforherdelightshetriedmany。AtthecommingoverofMonsieur，therewasaFrenchChirurgionwhotookinhandtocutit，yettfearstayedher，andhisdeath。\"

        ItwasasubjectwhichagainintriguedClemenswhenhewasabroadwithW。H。Fisher，whomMarkemployedto\"noseup\"everythingpertainingtoQueenElizabeth’smanlycharacter。

        \"’BOCCACCIOHATHASTORY\"

        TheauthordoesnotpayanygreatcomplimenttoRaleigh’smemoryhere。

        ThereisnosuchtaleinallBoccaccio。ThenearestrelatedincidentformsthesubjectmatterofDineo’snovel（thefourth）oftheFirstdayoftheDecameron。

        OLDSR。NICHOLASTHROGMORTON

        TheincidentreferredtoappearstobeSirNicholasThrogmorton’strialforcomplicityintheattempttomakeLadyJaneGreyQueenofEngland，achargeofwhichhewasacquitted。ThissoangeredQueenMarythatsheimprisonedhimintheTower，andfinedthejurorsfromonetotwothousandpoundseach。Heractionterrifiedsucceedingjuries，sothatSirNicholas’sbrotherwascondemnedonnostrongerevidencethanthatwhichhadfailedtoprevailbefore。WhileSirNicholas’sdefensemayhavebeenbrilliant，itmustbeadmittedthattheevidencewasweak。

        HewaslaterreleasedfromtheTower，andunderElizabethwasoneofagroupofcommissionerssentbythatprincessintoScotland，tofomenttroublewithMary，QueenofScots。Whentheattemptbecameknown，Elizabethrepudiatedtheactsofheragents，butSirNicholas，havinganticipatedthispossibility，hadsufficientforesighttosecureendorsementofhisplanbytheCouncil，andsooutwittedElizabeth，whowasplayingatwo—facedrole，andCecil，oneofthegreateststatesmenwhoeverheldthepostofprincipalminister。Perhapsitwasthisincidenttowhichthecompanyreferred，whichmightinpartexplainElizabeth’srejoinder。However，hehadbeenrestoredtoconfidenceerethis，andhadservedasambassadortoFrance。

        \"TOSAVEHISDOTER’SMAIDENHEDDE\"

        ElizabethThrockmorton（orThrogmorton），daughterofSirNicholas，wasoneofElizabeth’smaidsofhonor。WhenitwaslearnedthatshehadbeendebauchedbyRaleigh，SirWalterwasrecalledfromhiscommandatseabytheQueen，andcompelledtomarrythegirl。Thiswasnot\"inthatoldedaie，\"asthetexthasit，forithappenedonlyeightyearsbeforethedateofthispurported\"conversation，\"whenElizabethwassixtyyearsold。

        PARTIALBIBLIOGRAPHY

        Thevariousprintingsof1601revealhowMarkTwain’s’FiresideConversation’hasbecomeapartoftheAmericanprinter’slore。Butmoreimportant，itsmanyprintingsindicatethatithasbecomeapopularbitofAmericanfolklore，particularlyformenandwomenwhohaveafeelingforMarkTwain。Apparentlyitappealstothetypographer，whodevotestoithisworthyart，aswellastothejobprinter，whomaypullacrudelyprintedproof。Thegayprocessionofcuriousprintingsof1601isuniqueinthehistoryofAmericanprinting。

        Indeed，thestoryofthevariousprintingsof1601isalmostlegendary。

        Inthedaysofthe\"jour。\"printer，soIamtold，well—thumbedcopieswerecarriedfromprintshoptoprintshop。Formorethanaquartercenturynowithasbeenoneofthechiefsourcesofenjoymentforprinters’devils；andmanyayoungrascalhaslearnedaboutlifefromthisFiresideConversation。Ithasbeenprintedalloverthecountry，andifreportistobebelieved，inforeigncountriesaswell。Becauseofthemanysurreptitiousandanonymousprintingsitisexceedinglydifficult，ifnotimpossible，tocompileacompletebibliography。Manyprintingslackthenameofthepublisher，theprinter，theplaceordateofprinting。Inmanyinstancessomeofthedata，throughthepatientquestioningoffellowcollectors，hasbeenobtainedandsupplied。

        1。[Date，1601。]Conversation，asitwasbytheSocialFireside，intheTimeoftheTudors。

        DESCRIPTION：Pamphlet，pp。[1]—8，withoutwrappersorcover，measuring7x8inches。ThetitleisSetincaps。andsmallcaps。

        Theexcessivelyrarefirstprinting，printedinCleveland，1880，attheinstanceofAlexanderGunn，friendofJohnHay。Onlyfourcopiesarebelievedtohavebeenprinted，ofwhich，itissaidnow，theonlyknowncopyislocatedintheWillardS。Morsecollection。

        2。Date1601。Conversation，asitwasbytheSocialFireside，inthetimeoftheTudors。

        （Mem。——ThefollowingissupposedtobeanextractfromthediaryofthePepysofthatday，thesamebeingcup—bearertoQueenElizabeth。Itissupposedthatheisofancientandnoblelineage；thathedespisestheseliterarycanaille；thathissoulconsumeswithwrathtoseetheQueenstoopingtotalkwithsuch；andthattheoldmanfeelshisnobilitydefiledbycontactwithShakespeare，etc。，andyethehasgottostaytheretillHerMajestychoosestodismisshim。）

        DESCRIPTION：Titleasabove，versoblank；pp。[i]—xi，text；versop。xiblank。About8x10inches，printedonhandmadelinenpapersoakedinweakcoffee，wrappers。Thetitleissetincapsandsmallcaps。

        COLOPHON：atthefootofp。xi：DoneAttYeAcademiePreffe；MDCCCLXXX

        II。

        TheprivatelyprintedWestPointedition，thefirstprintingofthetextauthorizedbyMarkTwain，ofwhichbutfiftycopieswereprinted。ThestoryofthisprintingisfullytoldintheIntroduction。

        3。ConversationAsItWasByTheSocialFire—sideInTheTimeOfTheTudorsfromYeDiaryofYeCupbearertoherMaistyQueenElizabeth。

        [design]ImprintedbyYePuritanPressAtYeSignofYeJollyVirgin1601。

        DESCRIPTION：2blankleaves；p。[i]blank，p。[ii]fronds。，p。[iii]

        title[asabove]，p。[iv]\"Mem。\"，pp。1—[25]text，Iblankleaf。43/4

        by61/4inches，printedinamodernversionoftheCaxtonblacklettertype，onM。B。M。Frenchhandmadepaper。Thefrontispiece，awoodcutbyA。E。Curtis，isaportraitofthecup—bearer。Boundinbuff—greyboards，buckramback。Covertitlereads，inpaleredink，Caxtontype，ConversationAsItWasByTheSocialFire—sideInTheTimeOfTheTudors。

        [TheBywayPress，Cincinnati，Ohio，1901，120copies。]

        Probablythefirstpublishededition。

        Later，in1916，afacsimileeditionofthisprintingwaspublishedinChicagofromplates。


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